Back on the Saddle Again...

Sigh, sigh and sigh again. This is it guys. My 10-month break is officially over. The questing activity needs funds and short of selling blood to the blood bank, that just means one thing. I had to go back to work. Same old line of work. Same old boss even. My work clothes have been hanging in my closet welcoming moths. Now I’ve hauled them out and dusted them down. Even my cheap PVC handbags were rotting already. Of course, all sorts of other insecurities have started playing in my mind. Do I still remember my stuff? Can I still confidently execute my role? Heck, can I even stay awake at work for the minimum 8 hours?? Fuuuuuuuuuuu-aaaaaahhhhhh..... (only Cantonese opera fans will get this one). How can I even begin to express this deep reluctance in my soul???

The greatest underlying fear though is that I will get sucked back into my old lifestyle without making any progress on my quest....work, work, work on week days, then rest on the weekends and get enough energy to work, work, work again the following week. I guess I should be happy with a stable source of income. But would I be truly happy? Would I find purpose in what I am doing? Since I’d be spending a huge period of my productive adult life engaged in this activity called work, it is only natural for me to want to do something I’d enjoy. It doesn’t have to be a world peace campaign to make it worth my while. Sadly though, I realized that I have no other skills whatsoever that could contribute towards my economic well-being. Let’s run through some career options which I had already scratched off the list....

1. Ballet dancer – First of all, I would have had to spend an extra 2 hours before each dance performance trying to put my tights on right. Second of all, that career went down the drain when I was around 7 or 8 when I stopped going for ballet classes. I figured that I probably don’t want to risk not being able to walk for the rest of my life if I try to do the splits now.
2. Tai chi master – I did the moves right but I still couldn’t light up the bulb with my internal energy.
3. Pianist – It was excruciating practising scales and I could only correctly describe what Andante and Allegro meant in theory. My voice wobbled during oral exams and my fingers refused to dance lightly over the keys....Enough said.
4. Squash player – Alas, flat feet and a wonky toe joint eliminates this option. Not to mention my questionable forehand, aversion to exertion and a slight deficiency of sportsmanship....

Of course, in my never ending quest to find the perfect career, there are a couple of new things I am dabbling in which could possibly turn out....

1. Chef – I could pull this off. All I’d have to do is to project the right image and personality and get my own cooking show. Pulling a Gordon Ramsay probably wouldn’t work in Malaysia – besides, I’d have to learn how to swear in three languages or more to cater for the multi-ethnic audience. Channelling Nigela Lawson is also out – not voluptuous enough and my boob size doesn’t quite make the cut. Even if it did, I’d be pixelated on TV. Perhaps the cool, hip Jaimie Oliver personality may work. But then I’d have to get some cool hip friends for me to invite over for dinner at the end of the show.....that could be a problem. Still mulling over this one....
2. Food critic – if I couldn’t resolve the Chef personality issue, this could be an alternative. I just need to brush up on my epicurean dictionary and thesaurus. Can’t just declare “Too salty” or “Too sweet” just like that. Will need to be able to construct sentences like “Sublime flavour of sea salt underlying the sweetness of musky truffle...” Or something to that effect. The negative aspect here obviously is the effect eating all that food is going to have on my already ample waistline.
3. Travel host/ guide – Love, love, love to travel. Definitely one of my identified passions. The challenge is how make money and not have to get stuck with a bunch of fussy tourists whom I have to wait on hand and foot...
4. Er-hu musician – I suspect I may be an unpolished diamond. With the right guidance and enough practice, I could be making an album soon. Now, I just got to learn how to make those “I am totally immersed in the music” kind of expression when I play, then it’s “Eat your heart out Vanessa Mae”!.
5. Millionaire – all it takes is the right big sweep ticket bought at the right place at the right time....

As I write this, I just finished my first week back at the grindstone. In a strange way, it felt like I had never been away. It’s still too early to tell whether this is a good thing or bad. In the far corner of my mind, there is a niggling voice that raises the question that perhaps this job could be the right one for me all along. But before coming to that conclusion, I guess I should give myself a chance to try other stuff as well. Keeping that in my mind, the quest continues and I’m going to make darn sure I will enjoy it all the way.